Once Again, the Plunder Bros Will Save Us All[1]
https://www.instagram.com/p/DVy86gIClJD/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
You likely have seen clips of the testimony given by a couple of these Legends of DOGE guys whose only crime was Safeguarding the Public Coffers, reducing Waste and Fraud[2] in federal spending. Unless by “crime” you mean violating labor law. Or making unilateral decisions affecting millions without so much as the appearance of due diligence. Or having what some observers are calling “one of the top five most punchable faces on God’s earth, just makes you wanna take a gardening fork and gouge that fucking smirk off his fucking skull for him.”[3]
Now, there’s a lotta blood under the bridge since this was a big story a decade or so ago, so… I’m sorry? No way. No fucking WAY. That whole DOGE thing hadda be like seven years ago, no? LAST year? Like LAST year-last year? Are you SHITTING me? I mean, fuck. All these missile strikes and foreign leader abductions and extrajudicial executions on U.S. streets and the thousand other goddamn forms of pedophile-misdirection bullshit? This has all been over the course of SINGLE YEAR?!? JEE-sus. You mean to tell me that all THIS[4] has been brought about by these sinister fuckers in ONE goddamn YEAR?!?
[Pauses to compose himself. Fails. Bolts outside. Screams. Like a long one, a real out-of-breath-seeing-stars one. Gut-checks to see if that’s settled him down at all. It has not. He steps over and punches a tree. Now he’s got rage-roiling guts, still, and a terror-boiled brain, but he’s also got a floppy blood-speckled meat sack filled with shattered bones at the end of one arm. Goes to urgent care, gets a sling and some meds. Plops down in front of laptop to watch clip of a dog named Herman eating corn of the cob[5]. Repeats like eleven thousand times. The brimming stock pot of murder his skull has become levels off from spattering over-boil to a simple lethal simmer.]
So. These legacy-admission nepo-baby dick scabs are issued carte-blanche flame throwers to ensure that the only Federal government programs that are spared in the uncontrolled burn are those that advantage those whose skin color falls within what Presidential advisor Stephen Miller calls the Desired Rainbow.[6] As with any ambitious round of cuts to federal spending, there are going to those who will be displeased[7] with shifts in funding priority.[8] Those who feel the squeeze[9] most are bound to voice concerns[10] while the kinks get worked out.[11]
The young man shown giving a deposition in this clip might fairly be described less as a human with a personality than as a vibrating stack of barely concealed microaggressions. If this dude showed up for a first date with you, you would immediately text your roommate your location details so that when you get shallow-graved later in the evening, they’ll know to start coordinating the remains-recovery search with your parents. If this gent came in to interview for an internship with your company, you’d skip a bunch of steps and just give him a corner office since he’s obviously white enough and sociopathic enough and sexlessly handsome enough to help any corporation stomp on the gas pedal of heedless exploitation and blithely unsustainable growth.[12]
Rather than flagging every time during this (really quite short EXCERPT of this) interview when this smirky little brownshirt[13] showed himself to be a deeply objectionable and despair-inducing quasi-human garbage scow of a swim team rapist-looking motherfucker with mayo in his veins, we’re gonna focus on a single instant. There’s no timestamp on this excerpt, so just play along. It’s that instant where the interviewer mentions a book project about HIV/AIDS in U.S. prisons, and my chalky little guy BARELY AND UNCONVINCINGLY SUPPRESSES A FUCKING LAUGH.[14]
Now, look – if you’re a law-n-order type who feels that crime happens in a vacuum and is always and exclusively the result of individual choices not made in response to societally created pressures, super. You believe[15] that everybody who’s incarcerated deserved what they got and that the justice system functions as it should.[16] Or if you’re one of these Hitchens-would-stab-you-on-sight so-called Christians who believe[17] a person’s sexuality is reviled by “God”[18] and that any suffering they endure is divine punishment for the affront of their existence, gotcha. You’re content to witness the avoidable agony of others to prop up your narrow moralistic views.[19]
But for everybody else, this demonstrates that you’re just another cheap, grubby, charismaless, tawdry, stupid, cowardly, shrill, incurious minor little gargoyle in an ill-fitting meat suit that we all agree is overdue for a waterboarding.[20]
[1] “All” must here be understood in the narrowest demographic sense, as belonging to what till recently was assumed to be the preferred category of the American people, those melanin-scarce patriots transporting a penis. An attached one, I’m saying. Not a severed-and-stolen one, in like a fanny pack.
[2] “Waste and Fraud” refers obviously to any public spending that risks netting some benefit or easing the burden of brown-skinned people.
[3] Anything put in quotes this way? That’s just me talking. I did not go out and conduct field interviews with people about these gentlemen. I got eyes in my fucking head. I don’t need independent verification of Stating the Goddamn Obvious.
[4] Gestures desperately to indicate to whole snarled totality of the thousandfold forms of fuckery and shitbaggedness that have taken hold of every goddamn aspect of trying to be a human fucking person in the goddamn world without some cruel-minded busybody fuckface stepping in to fuck up some element of your trying to for-fuck’s-sake ex-fucking-ist.
[5] It’s real. It’s on We Rate Dogs. Go find it. And, no, I’m not giving you a direct link, cuz no matter what reels you pull up on their Instagram, your heartrate will slow and your respiration will get less shallow – it’s like the opposite of doom-scrolling. If you wish to stave off a felony murder charge of your own.
[6] Often referred to as the Eugenicist’s Wet Dream by critics, this Celebration of Whiteness includes every shade of caucacity from Panhandle Meth Cook to Treasurer of Your Homeowner’s Association, from Court Supervised Visitation to Legacy Admission to Dartmouth.
[7] “Will die as the direct result of”
[8] “Initiatives aimed at delivering a death-kick to the still-unfused skulls of malnourished infants”
[9] “Learn too late that they’ve been deemed Meat Grist for the Economic Mill, have been recategorized from Consumer to Consumer Goods.”
[10] “Die in record numbers”
[11] “They die or get overtaken by despair”
[12] Scumtocracy® is the recently adopted name for the Artist Formerly Known as Capitalism, since a quaintly extraneous sense of proportion and decency no longer pertain to the arena of economic activity.
[13] I mean look at the world-snuffing certainty on this unlined face – that is a born goddamn follower, a not-quite man for whom “initiative” means “the speed with which I push the wheelbarrow full of books to the burning pile, which might earn me a word of praise from the Oberscharführer.”
[14] When Rogan and all the “you can’t say anything anymore” hacks triggered-little-bitch-whine about getting canceled, this is the type of shit they’re trying to salvage.
[15] Falsely.
[16] It does not.
[17] Insanely.
[18] “Imaginary dad.”
[19] Which it very much does not. You’re just an indefensibly cruel fuckface. You provincial little virgin.
[20] But, like, with scalding hot gravy. So the drowning and blistering are simultaneous.